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22: Depression

If at any point this post triggers you in any way, please please do not feel obliged to continue to the end. Feel free to put it aside and come back later. Feel free to put it aside indefinitely. That’s ok! Don’t feel like you have to read it at all if it will not be in your best interest. [Trigger and content warning: this post deals with severe depression and suicidal ideation.] Crisis numbers are listed at the end of the post.

Take care of you. You are important. You matter. You are enough.

I’m beginning to feel safe and myself enough to tackle what I’ve been going through recently. I’ve had to take several steps back from writing to take care of myself, but now I think I need to write about it so I can move on.


I’m just now coming out from behind a wall of clouds. I’m not “out of the woods” quite yet, but I can now see the edge of the forest and know that I can make it there.

About a month ago, my doctor started me on a new medication. I was really excited to be taking it, as it can help with a lot of symptoms I experience from a chronic illness. The first week or so, everything was fine and I was feeling optimistic and ready for the exciting changes. The second week, I noticed I was having strange bouts of moodiness and mood swings. I noted the change in my psychotherapy session and my therapist immediately questioned my new medication as it can affect hormones. We decided to keep an eye on it and see where things went…

By week three, there was an abrupt and terrifying change in my mental state. I began to experience sudden bouts of extreme, deep depression and suicidal ideation (thoughts about death and/or suicide without intention or a plan). It was especially bizarre because I’d experienced clinical depressed before as a teenager; I went through a period of time when I was about 13 or 14 when I never thought I’d feel happy again. But I haven’t been truly, clinically depressed for 15 years and this depression was so, so vastly different.

I experienced what I described to the alarmed nurse over the phone as “these bouts that feel like clouds coming in front of the sun, then pulling away again.” Darkness and utter hopelessness, followed by moments of clearheaded certainty that something was very, very off in my brain. I’d be tackled with soul-crushing, agonizing, deep sadness and hopelessness followed by “normal” brain functioning where I would reel from the shock of being so devastatingly knocked off my feet. Needless to say, the nurse called me back immediately with instructions from my doctor to stop the medication and either go to the ER or call 9-1-1 if I was in any danger. Because I was in direct communication with my therapist, in a safe location, and knew the difference between suicidal ideation and intent, I was able to remain out of the hospital until I could visit my doctor’s office with an emergency walk-in appointment.

There were several things that set this experience apart from the clinical depression I experienced as a child:
  1. This has been a strange in-and-out depression that slams me to the ground at the most unexpected times. As a teen, I experienced a numbing, near-constant depression. As I mentioned before, this has been vastly different. The episodes have been tapering off in frequency and intensity in this last week, but will probably continue for at least another week or so until the medicine is completely out of my system.
  2. The fear that this isn’t medicine-based at all, but me spontaneously going from pretty darn mentally healthy to devastatingly unhealthy in the space of a few weeks. Despite my therapist, the nurse on the phone, my doctor, the physician’s assistant I saw for the emergency follow-up appointment, and my husband all telling me it’s the medicine, it’s been an exercise in extreme trust in both myself and others that this is not me, but the medicine.
  3. The fact that I have little to no control over it. Of course, as a teen I couldn’t “control” my depression either. But with this medicine-induced depression, my therapist noted that it’s not situation-induced or even chemical imbalance-induced. I have to sit this out and wait; my normal coping mechanisms and strategies don’t work and don’t “speed it up” because it’s the medicine in my system causing it, not my brain. My therapist has encouraged me to allow myself to feel: “Stop trying to go around, under, or over it. You’re going to have to go through it.”

It’s been one hell of a ride so far. I’m fortunate to have an excellent therapist and empathetic doctor and an even more incredible husband to help me through a really disturbing few weeks of my life. My friends have been there for me, my Twitter followers and friends have showered positive gifs and silly pictures on me, my parents have video-chatted with me. With their support, it comes down to me being patient and riding this out.

This experience forced me to confront some really scary things from my childhood depression, but ultimately, I’m choosing to see this as a productive (not necessarily “positive”) experience. “HOW?” you ask?

Through this, I was forced to face the fact that one of my greatest fears in life is being depressed again. Of being in a place where I thought about suicide and couldn’t remember ever being happy. Through facing this fear (albeit against my will) I’ve realized that even if I face depression again, it will never be the same as it was as a teen. I am not a child anymore.

I’ve always said that anyone who truly wants to return to childhood isn’t remembering it accurately. I’m not saying I had a bad childhood. But children lack autonomy and control; they lack understanding of many things outside of their control. Their brains are not fully developed. They can’t always communicate what they are feeling and that they need help. They don’t know just how many options for help and treatment are out there.

Additionally, the nature of this coming-and-going depression has forced me to look a phenomenon straight in the face and stare at it unwaveringly. It’s a strange thing when you’re truly depressed: sometimes you literally can’t remember the feeling of happiness. Despite logically knowing it can’t be true, you can’t remember ever being happy. It’s your brain chemistry tricking you. The same is true when you’re not depressed: you truly can’t fully remember what it’s like to be in that bizarre mindset where everything is hopeless and nothing positive. Your brain doesn’t always reflect reality.

That’s part of why I’m writing this post. To remember.

I want to remember because I want to recall that–when I feel like this–it’s my brain that’s changing, not reality. In reality, there are so many people out there to help: therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, nurses, specialists, spouses, partners, friends, family, colleagues, internet friends, strangers… There are always options: seeking help, calling a hotline, going to see a doctor, going on medication, in my case: going off a medication, trying a different medicine, seeing a therapist, crowdfunding money to afford to seek services, going to the ER, being hospitalized, talking to friends, reaching out to a loved on, dropping some responsibilities, taking care of only what you have to, focusing on the basics, seeing a psychiatrist, moving back in with family… the list goes on and on. There are limitless possibilities, but my brain can’t see them when I’m blinded by fear.

But now, if I ever experience depression again–be it situational, longterm, clinical, medicine or hormone-induced, or otherwise triggered–I can look back at this post and have hope that those clouds will clear and I will be okay.


USA

Lists of international suicide hotlines:

If you have trouble reaching out, cannot find a number, or have an unsatisfactory call experience, please do not give up. There is help; there are options. Try a different number, go to the closest emergency room, or call 9-1-1 (or your country’s emergency number).

Seeking Sara Used Depression

 

 

 

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4 Things I Want People to Know About My Autistic Self

Not An Autism Mom reached out to me for a guest article on her blog where she is featuring Autistic voices. Here is “4 Things I Want People to Know About My Autistic Self”!

Click here : https://notanautismmom.com/2018/07/17/seeking-sara/

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or click “view original post” below!

Not an Autism Mom

1) My sensory experience is vastly different than your own.

When I complain that the lights are too bright, noises too loud and overwhelming, tastes bitter and unpleasant, touch too ticklish—I’m not exaggerating. I experience the world in a near-constant barrage of sensations. I am very hyper-sensitive to nearly all sensory input.

I grew up with a lot of internalized embarrassment and shame surrounding my over-sensitivity. At the time I wasn’t diagnosed but I felt different and weird. I was the only kid who covered their ears and cried during fire alarms, always squinted in the sun on the playground, jumped at sudden loud noises, and absolutely refused to eat bitter or spicy foods.

I wish people had understood growing up that I’m not “weird”—just different. My sensory experience is different than yours, but that doesn’t make it wrong or even fully negative. When I am at home and can…

View original post 1,229 more words

21: Coming Out (Again): Part 2, The Sequel

Today I posted my first ever official Seeking Sara Youtube video! Hooray!

Why come out again, you ask?

Thank you for asking, kind stranger! Well, back in April, I came out as Autistic to most of my family and friends by sharing my Seeking Sara diagnosis story on Facebook. But I really didn’t feel free to be fully public at that point. That ends today with my first YouTube video! Please check it out, give it a like, and subscribe to my channel.

Below the video you can find what I wrote on my personal Facebook about why I feel the need to be out and public about being Autistic!

 

This is what I posted on my personal Facebook:

Ok, time to rip the bandaid off and never look back!

 🎉🎉

I am Autistic. (Yes, you read that correctly.)

Back in April, I “came out” to a lot of people through my blog, “Seeking Sara: An Autistic’s Journey Toward Self-Discovery”, but I wasn’t quite ready to be completely public about it.

That ends today with this YouTube video 😎https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gA1gGR4Y_QQ&t=12s.

I had originally shared the blog because I was feeling like I carried such a heavy burden around with me; masking Autistic traits is exhausting (but sadly common) and hiding such a huge part of my identity had begun to take a massive toll on my mental, physical, and emotional health. 😖

Today feels like taking off chains and shaking out my limbs for the first time in ages. I am Autistic, but even I didn’t know for the longest time. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had intense sensory issues, meltdowns and shutdowns, bouts of selective mutism, anxiety, social phobia and processing difficulties… but I had no idea WHY. In late 2017 I was finally diagnosed and suddenly everything made so much sense.

Since diagnosis, I have grown more as a person and learned to love myself more than in the past 5 years combined. I am learning to be authentically, proudly me. I am diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (not Asperger’s), and I prefer to be referred to be referred to as “Autistic” or an “Autistic person,” NOT “person with autism.” This is just my preference and I hope you will respect that.

I get that some people may be skeptical, probably because what we see about Autistic people in the media is oftentimes a bold-faced, stereotypical lie full of myths. Or because I have done a damn good job of (unintentionally) hiding my Autistic self. But you know, my coming out isn’t really for you.

This is for me.  This is so I can begin to breathe again. This is so I don’t have to constantly regulate my behavior in public. So I don’t have to try to ignore overwhelming sensory stimuli and resist the urge to stim (rock, flap my hands, pace, tic, hum, sing, etc. to help with sensory regulation.) Over the next few months I might start seeming “more Autistic.” This isn’t actually a change; this is just me finally growing comfortable enough to stop masking my traits so hard and just allow myself to be naturally me. I’m done hiding. I no longer feel the need to try so hard to shove myself into a little mold I’ve cobbled together from observing neurotypical peers and characters. I am not them.

I am ready to be unapologetically me—take me or leave me. I’m ready to be publicly me. I’m done tiptoeing around and hoping not to be seen.

Here’s the link to my blog, Seeking Sara https://seekingsara174.wordpress.com/2018/04/12/diagnosis/.
Feel free to subscribe to get email updates when I post. There are about 20 posts up right now. The next one will be on Monday.

Here is the Seeking Sara Facebook group :https://www.facebook.com/SeekingSara174/
Feel free to Like or Follow or both!

Lastly, if you feel so compelled, please feel free to leave a lovely comment or sticker to show your support. Message me, text me, email me, send a carrier pigeon… whatever works for you. I’m hoping being open will help explain why I’m not often at social events and why I rarely take initiative with socializing (apart from being painfully introverted.)

If you read to the very end, props to you and thank you.

 🎉😍❤️

tl;dr I’m Autistic! 🎉 Deal with it. 💪

Phew. A huge sigh of relief. This is a huge step for me, perhaps bigger than the first phase of my coming out back in April.

I’m ready to burst out through the gate and go be me!

Used Coming out part 2

20: Empathy (Part 3) The Good!

As promised in 17: Empathy (Part 1) and 18: Empathy (Part 2), I’m now tackling the positive aspects of being an “empath,” or hyper-empathetic person. In Part 1, I wrote about the stereotype that Autistic people don’t experience empathy and how—not only do I empathize—I actually experience hyper-empathy. In Part 2, I focused on media consumption and how careful I have to be with what I watch, listen to, or read due to hyper-empathy. But the focus of both posts was on the negative or tiring aspects of being hyper-empathetic and how it can be a burden. Today I really wanted to address the wonderful side of being so sensitive to others’ emotions.

  • I experience positive emotions strongly too

In Empathy (Part 1), I wrote that “I feel other people’s pain so innately that it can be so debilitating I have to try to unplug my feelings and let myself grow cold and unattached to survive.” I also described “taking on other people’s pain.”  But it’s not just the negative or draining emotions that my hyper-empathy exposes me to!  I get to experience the positive ones too!

When someone around me experiences a strong positive emotion—whether they be on screen or in my life—I am affected. If someone is feeling sheer happiness, I soak up the light from that emotion. I can become giddy and joyful when someone near me is in a similar state. I can cry from happiness and flap my hands with excitement when a character I love is happy. I sometimes have to clamp down on my emotions so that I don’t cry happy tears (or otherwise outwardly show just how happy I am) and embarrass myself when riding the waves of someone else’s happiness. The more deeply connected I am to someone, the more affected I am. It’s wonderful to experience such sincere happiness when others are happy.

  • I connect deeply with characters in media and my soul is moved by music

In Empathy (Part 2), I wrote about the negative ways that media can affect me and that “[d]isconnecting from or not engaging with certain types of media has been essential to my survival as a hyper-empathetic person.” But just as I am positively affected by real-world emotions, I am also affected by positive emotions in media.

I sometimes connect with characters in books, TV, movies, and games so strongly that it feels like I have lived their lives. I hope some people reading experience what I’m talking about and can relate. It can take me days to disconnect myself from a good book and it leaves me with more insight and understanding about other peoples’ lives and experiences. It’s an enormous gift to be able to carry over what I learn in books into reality and further empathize with others.

The emotion in music often moves me to tears and fills me with such a deep peace and tranquility that I can physically feel something in my chest fill with happiness. Sad music can unplug a deep sadness within me so that I can begin addressing it; joyful music can alter my state of mind and leave me feeling energized and full of possibility. Music moves me in ways that I can’t even really describe fully in words.

  • I’m great with kids

I started babysitting around age 12 and loved it straight away. From there I became a part-time preschool gymnastics teacher, then a counselor’s assistant at a camp, an assistant teacher, and finally an English and reading tutor. I love being around kids and young adults, and I think one reason I’m so suited toward childcare and teaching is my ability to empathize.

I told myself when I was young that I would try my best to never forget what it felt like to be a child:  the changes, the anxieties, the frustration, the lack of control… and for the most part, I feel that I’ve stayed true to that promise. I can empathize with kids and speak with them from a place of equality whenever possible. Showing true caring for a child means that I’m often let inside their worlds to see the joys, the anxieties, the excitement, and the stresses…and I cherish that gift!

  • I’m a good partner

My ability to empathize deeply makes me a patient and loving partner. When my husband is happy, my mood is positively affected! When he’s unhappy, I can empathize deeply with how he is feeling and come up with useful ways to help and support him.

  • I am a good listener and ally to my friends and family

As I mentioned in previous posts, my ability to hyper-empathize means that friends and family often confide in me. While this can be tiring, it’s also a gift that I truly cherish. I experience great joy knowing that my loved ones feel they can trust me to listen to things that are going on in their lives.

  • I can empathize with strangers

When I was 7 or 8, I heard about a flood that happened in a different state in the US. There was one church that was severely affected so much so that members could no longer enter the building, much less worship there. I had never been there, never met anyone in the congregation, nor met anyone affected by flooding, but I felt such grief that I was moved to do something. I wrote them a letter and (with my parents’ help and permission), donated my entire allowance savings to their rebuilding efforts.

Around the same age, I decided that I would foster or adopt a child someday. Hearing about kids in the system broke my heart and I was adamant that I would someday provide a loving home to a child in need. (Someday, I hope this will be a reality!)

My hyper-empathy enables me to relate to and feel for strangers—people I have never, and may never meet. It makes me a compassionate, caring, and deeply sincere person, and I cherish this ability.


So there you have it:  some of the many positive ways that being hyper-empathetic can actually be a wonderful thing and something that heavily influences the way I view and interact with the world.

Used Empathy Part 3

“Learn From Autistics” Interview

Hello all! Thank you so much for your continued support and readership. I truly appreciate all of the emails, messages, comments, and support everyone has been sending my way.

thank you

I’m currently working on two separate blog posts simultaneously on 1) the good side of being hyper-empathetic and 2) the second Sensory Series post. I have also been asked to guest blog on another exciting blogger’s page, so that’s been in the works as well.


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In other exciting news, “Learn From Autistics” had previously reached out to me about doing an interview with them as part of their on-going “Autism Interview” series. That came out on their site this morning!

Some of you have probably already seen the interview if you follow my Facebook page or Twitter, but others rely on blog posts to keep up with my writing, so I wanted to alert those people here!

The interview is titled “Autism Interview #67: Sara on Autistic Identity, Late-Diagnosis, and Socialization.” I was really impressed with the questions and learned a lot about myself when answering them.

“Learn From Autistics” is a really interesting site and blog and they have done a ton of fabulous interviews with Autistic people (I’m #67!), so I encourage you to stick around on their site and check out some other awesome contributors.

See you soon with another blog post!

Sara

Seeking-Sara
AUTISM INTERVIEW #67:                                                                                                            SARA ON AUTISTIC IDENTITY, LATE-DIAGNOSIS, AND SOCIALIZATION

 

 

19: Poison People

There’s a type of person I categorize as a “Poison Person.” They may affect me mentally, emotionally, physically, socially, sensorially, or any combination of these. They will sap my coping and social skills until I am reduced to an anxious, exhausted blob. They may actually be wonderful people; they may even be people I desperately want to like. But they are like poison to me.

A Poison Person:

  • demands eye contact
    • implies dishonesty if little or no eye contact
  • invades personal space, gets in my face
    • may try to force hugs or kiss on the cheek
    • consistently moves closer when I move away
  • wears heavy perfume or scents, is a heavy smoker
  • is impatient
    • demands immediate responses and actions
  • talks loudly or yells
  • jumps topics frequently and rapidly
  • speaks extremely quickly. Is a “hyper-speed” talker all the time
  • jumps in to fill the silence when I’m trying to process something
    • supplies what they think I might want to say or what I might be feeling
    • derails my thought process, sometimes causing me to have to start all over again
  • mocks or makes fun of me/others
    • gossips constantly, makes me wonder what they say about me
  • treats others as inferior
    • is patronizing, condescending, infantilizing, or dismissive
  • lies frequently
    • cannot be trusted; breaks confidence
  • is un-empathetic or uncaring
  • has dry, abrasive humor and finds it funny when I can’t read it

A poison person may have more than one of these traits. Rarely, I meet someone who has ALL of these traits…and I run for cover.

In theory, I avoid a Poison Person at all costs, but unfortunately many PP’s can be fairly practiced at hiding these traits. Other times,  it’s someone who is not easily avoided (example: Boss).

The effect that a Poison Person can have on me is best illustrated through a story:

I went on a shopping trip with two fellow expats while studying in Japan. One was a fairly familiar friend, the other a casual acquaintance. Normally I would avoid going anywhere with people I didn’t know well, but I was desperate to get to this particular store and had no way of getting there otherwise.

The car ride to the store was only twenty minutes, but it felt like an eternity in hell. We took the acquaintance’s car and she had air “fresheners” all over. Those things are like little migraine bombs for me. I could have handled that much, if she hadn’t been a Poison Person in disguise. As she drove, words just kept rocketing out of her mouth like verbal diarrhea.

There was no pause in the stream of words for the entirety of the car ride and I was right next to her in the passenger seat. My friend in the backseat did little to engage in conversation, and I became the sole target for the onslaught. She often spoke more quickly than I could hear (much less process), all but shouted her words, adopted high-pitched voices to imitate people, kept locking eyes with me in the rearview mirror, often grew impatient (and louder) if I didn’t fill the infinitesimally brief silences with an adequate response within her self-allotted timeframe….

Unfortunately, it didn’t stop when we reached the store; she kept it up throughout the entire hour-long shopping trip as well. I had difficulty thinking through what I needed to get while in the store–even with a list in hand. I became anxious and wanted to either sink to the floor and cry, or run out the door and into the night. At one point I excused myself to go find some random item I didn’t even want so that I could have two minutes of calm in which to breathe deeply.

By the time we got back to the car, I was at the end of my rope. During the twenty minutes of overpowering one-sided conversation returning home, I had to focus on breathing and not throwing up. I was nauseous and had a pounding headache. My thoughts were scattered and I struggled to say anything at all. I answered her in one-syllable words, hoping she might get the hint. I didn’t feel comfortable asking her to speak more softly (or not at all) because it was her car, her driving, and her kindness that got me to the store at all and I didn’t want to be rude or ungrateful.

Once I got home, I was completely nonverbal. I couldn’t force myself to speak. Instead, I sat on the couch and rocked. By the time I had calmed down, it was time for bed and I collapsed into bed in absolute exhaustion. My final thought that night was, “God, it must be exhausting to be her….”

Used Poison People

18: Empathy (Part 2)

Hyper-Empathy and My Media Choices

I began writing about my experiences as a hyper-empathetic Autistic person in 17: Empathy (Part 1) and quickly realized that I had too much to talk about in just one post.  Today will continue my look at empathy–this time through the lens of my media consumption.

As I mentioned briefly in Part 1, I struggled a lot when watching TV or movies as a child until I realized that I was having extreme issues over-empathizing with characters or people on screen. If I’m being honest with myself I sometimes still struggle hugely with this, but I’ve learned to be much more selective with what I watch.

One clear example of this is the show “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” I know many of my readers aren’t from the US, so I’ll explain. On this show, viewers watch home videos sent in by other viewers and (hypothetically) laugh until they cry. My family used to watch the show pretty regularly. Some of the videos are adorable, others are sweet, and some are funny. But I realized after a while that I was really tense while watching and noticed I was most upset when certain kinds of videos came on. There are a good number of videos sent in of people slipping, falling, crashing, or otherwise hurting themselves on camera. I hate those!

I understand logically that probably no one was actually seriously hurt in these videos. I realize that people probably wouldn’t have sent them in if they had! I get that the person in question may even have found it funny themselves. But it doesn’t really matter. For me, there’s truly never been anything funny about a person in that kind of situation—even if they’re perfectly fine. The “funny” videos where someone dropped a birthday cake or scared their child while wearing a mask aren’t any better for me. I empathize too much and feel sad and guilty about the dropped cake or upset and betrayed by the parent who frightened the kid.

There are certain storylines in other shows and movies that I usually don’t enjoy watching either. One great example is the infuriating “barter” episode. The one where a character runs around for the entire episode trying desperately to reach some goal only to fall continually just short of it. Where a character has a priceless object —let’s say, a vase— that they want to trade for a famous baseball card while at a flea market. Unfortunately the baseball card collector has her fair share of vases at home and refuses…but mentions she would just love that shiny red action figure at the table next door. The main character rushes to the action figure collector who tells them they aren’t interested but really wants the antique music box sold by their competitor… The story goes on until our hero has traded their vase for a candelabra for a chess set for a Pac-man lunch box for a whole host of things… all until they get that shiny red action figure and go to the baseball card vendor, only to find that she just sold it. You know–the really, really frustrating and infuriating episode trope. That’s another example of something that’s meant to be entertaining but makes me incredibly anxious and upset.

I could go on and on with media:  books, news, video games, movies, TV, music, etc. I have to be very careful about what media I consume for many reasons, but empathy is one major one. Watching the news has almost always caused me extreme anxiety or even panic attacks. Certain songs can send me quickly into a spiral of sadness and anxiety. Books can pull me into their pages and make me over-relate with characters who exist only in the ink on a page. Horror and gore are things I cannot stand, even a little. Disconnecting from or not engaging with certain types of media has been essential to my survival as a hyper-empathetic person.

Over time I’ve gotten better at both selecting media and at recognizing when I’m over-empathizing. These are some things that help:

  • I don’t usually watch reality TV (well, that’s not just due to empathy…).
  • I avoid depressing or distressing movies or shows.
  • I mostly avoid going to the cinema (big screen=big impact, plus no pausing).
  • I’m very selective when keeping up with the news.
  • I remind myself during difficult scenes that actors aren’t really in the situations they act in.
  • I mute dramatic music when I notice it affecting me in a scene.
  • I do something else while I watch to ground myself in reality and disconnect more from onscreen emotions.

I’ve found that a healthy mix of avoidance and coping mechanisms means I can enjoy more media. I still tend to watch mostly children’s shows, cartoons and anime, and fantasy/scifi movies and TV though. The rest just don’t usually interest me and these genres pose less of a potential threat to my mental and emotional health.


So there you have it! This is another post that makes me feel vulnerable and I’m still processing why that is. Maybe because I’m tackling a stereotype that is still so widely believed. Maybe because I’m afraid people will see my sensitivity and empathy as weird or signs of weakness. Maybe because I’m afraid people will discredit and invalidate my experiences. I’m not really sure yet, but I also think it’s important for me to be honest and share true insight into the way I experience the world.

The next time I post about empathy, I want to focus more on the positive aspects of being hyper-empathetic!

Click here to read 20: Empathy (Part 3) The Good!

Used Empathy Part 2